


I Hate U, I Love U

by jamesilver



Series: A Drarry Playlist [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oh my god so much angst, all ya boy here, also no ginny hate i really do love her, but they do get together i promise, harry fucked up, it was harry, post relationship, super fucking angsty yall, this entire situation is not her fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-01 04:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12148287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesilver/pseuds/jamesilver
Summary: It had been a glorious time for the two of them. They had gotten together during the last few months of their eighth year. Eight years of pining and suddenly Draco's dreams were slamming him against a wall and Potter's tongue was down his throat and then...well, then they were dating.It was surreal. It was glorious. They snuck around and found makeout corners around the castle until that wasn't enough.Then they lost their virginities to each other at three in the morning down by the lake as spring began to dawn.It was around the time that fall began to roll around once more and the holidays started to creep up, that Harry broke things off. He lost himself in what-if's about things like family and outside pressure and he eventually told Draco that he didn't think he could commit.Turns out that was absolute bullshit because here they were, the next winter, and Harry was engaged to Ginny Weasley. What Harry meant was not that he couldn't commit, but rather that he couldn't commit *to Draco*.And Draco hated himself for still being in love with him.





	I Hate U, I Love U

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is part of a series that takes songs and creates inspired fics using parts of the song. This specific fic was based off of "i Hate U, i Love U" by Gnash ft. Olivia O'Brien and I do not own the rights to any lyrics I possibly used, or any of J. K. Rowlings characters used. I am not making any money off of this whatsoever so please don't sue me.
> 
> Playlist will be linked in end notes

 

 

 

_Feeling used_  
_But I'm still missing you_  
_And I can't see the end of this_  
_Just wanna feel your kiss_  
_Against my lips_  
_And now all this time_  
_Is passing by_  
_But I still can't seem to tell you why_  
_It hurts me every time I see you_  
_Realize how much I need you_

 

__________

 

It was mostly okay. Mostly. At least, during the day. He was at work, buried in potions orders and was able to focus on other things. It was alright when his mind was occupied. And maybe he could even pretend like things would  _be_  alright. And then he would go home. 

The entire flat felt empty and cold.  _He_  felt cold. His bed felt cold. And everywhere he looked it was like he could hear  _his_  laugh echoing off his walls but these days everything was quiet and the air felt dark. 

And then he would go to bed. 

Every night he would tell himself it was okay and that he didn't need him in his life. He was fine. But the other side of the bed felt empty and no one had lain there in months and Draco couldn't believe he wasn't over it yet. 

He wanted nothing more than to have him back, but there was nothing he could do. 

Draco shut his eyes so hard he saw bright lights there, ignoring the feeling of a hot tear finding its way to the pillow. This was ridiculous. How many nights was he going to cry himself to sleep over Potter? Harry fucking Potter. The man that he had been in love with for years. The man he had had but couldn't keep. 

It had been a glorious time for the two of them. And Draco couldn't stop picturing it. They had gotten together during the last few months of their eighth year. Eight years of pining and suddenly Draco's dreams were slamming him against a wall and Potter's tongue was down his throat and then...well, then they were dating. 

It was surreal. It was glorious. They snuck around and found makeout corners around the castle until that wasn't enough. 

Then they lost their virginities to each other at three in the morning down by the lake as spring began to dawn. 

They were together all summer, away from the prying eyes around the castle and it was then that Draco knew he would forever be in love with Harry Potter. But they never told anyone. Well, Harry never told anyone. These days, Draco couldn't count how many times he had cried about it in Pansy's arms. 

It was around the time that fall began to roll around once more and the holidays started to creep up, that Harry broke things off. He lost himself in what-if's about things like family and outside pressure and he eventually told Draco that he didn't think he could commit. 

Turns out that was absolute bullshit because here they were, the next winter, and Harry was engaged to Ginny Weasley. What Harry meant was not that he couldn't commit, but rather that he couldn't commit  _to Draco_. Fucking Potter getting caught up in his reputation. So, surprise surprise that he's going to marry Ginny Weasley-- Holyhead Harpies' seeker and perfect match for the Golden Boy of the wizarding world. 

And Draco hated himself for still being in love with him. 

 

__________

 

_I hate you, I love you,_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you_  
_I hate you, I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her_

 

__________

 

Draco was sitting in his kitchen trying to yank himself out of his own memories. He needed to move. Every room, every chair, even the fucking paint was  _Harry_. They had basically moved in here together. After they left Hogwarts, Harry had basically moved into Draco's flat, but still technically had his own. Harry had said he didn't think they were ready to move in together, but what he really meant was he didn't want to tell anyone. Now Ginny was living in that flat with him. They moved in together after two months. 

Harry had helped him pick the furniture. Harry had helped him paint the walls. Harry picked the fucking bedspread Draco slept on every fucking night while he denied ever having feelings for him. Fuck that. 

 

__________

 

_I miss you when I can't sleep_  
_Or right after coffee_  
_Or right when I can't eat_  
_Do you miss me like I miss you?_  
_Fucked around and got attached to you_  
_Friends can break your heart too,_  
_And I'm always tired but never of you_

 

__________

 

Lunch with Pansy. And she could tell his mind was still in circles. It had been a year and the obsession hadn't stopped. The obsession would never stop. It had started first year and would finally quiet once he died. 

"I think I'm going to move," Draco blurted out, not realizing he was interrupting one of Pansy's meaningless stories meant to fill space. 

She gave him a look he couldn't quite interpret. "Does this mean you're moving on, finally?" 

"I don't know, Pans. It's not like much has changed in the past year. For me, at least. Bloody Golden Boy just acts like it never happened. And for the record," he had begun gesturing and he didn't even care. "I am still upset about the whole thing and I don't just mean in the lovesick way." 

"So you admit you're lovesick?" 

"Bloody hell, Pansy, it's an expression. That doesn't mean I'm in love with him." She gave him look he didn't even bother responding to. "What I mean is that I'm still upset about the way he ended it. If he was truly that worried, he shouldn't have been that serious with me in the first place. We were practically living together and then all of a sudden he shut down and seemed to decide that he needed to live up to the expectations everyone had of him and then he pretends like it never existed. He could at least acknowledge it, is all I'm saying." 

They had had this conversation countless times. Draco could find twenty different ways to phrase it, but Pansy had heard them all. "Darling, he screwed you over. But it's been a year. Whether he still has feelings for you or not, he is engaged to Ginny. Draco, you know you need to move on. I'm not saying you need to get over it, but I am saying you need to have a life outside of him." 

Draco was silent for a moment. "I haven't had a life outside of Potter since before I was eleven." He looked up, meeting Pansy's eyes. "I know he still has feelings for me. I understand that sounds like wishful thinking, but notice how he interacts with me. He doesn't. He doesn't sit next to me, he barely looks at me, and he sure as hell doesn't make any physical contact with me. You say he's over it but he's not. All I fucking want is for him to admit it." 

"And if he does admit it, then what? You'll be fine with him telling you he's in love with you and still marrying Ginny? Look me in the eyes and tell me that you would let him walk away if he does admit it." Draco remained silent. "Maybe that's why he won't." 

It was just so fucking shitty of how he ended it, and Draco had convinced himself that was the reason he wasn't able to get over it. 

 

__________

 

_If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit_  
_I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit_  
_I type a text but then I never mind that shit_  
_I got these feelings but you never mind that shit_

 

__________

 

They were going to the pub tonight. The entire group. They all usually drank together and they were loud as all hell. And just like every night, Potter was going to sit as far as possible and not get looped into the same conversations as Draco. 

He had given up. He had thought about his conversation with Pansy and he had made a decision: he was leaving. If cutting Potter out of his life entirely was what it took, then he would do it. He was saying his goodbyes that night and he was moving to France. Draco had decided he wasn't going to take a thing from his apartment with him-- limit the reminders of Potter to his memories. He would even shatter his pensieve that contained all the memories of their relationship. Tonight was the last night he would see Potter and Draco would make himself be alright with that, eventually. 

Now he just had to announce his leaving. 

Draco waited until they were all a few drinks in before casually mentioning his move to Pansy, who was already aware of the fact. From somewhere near there was a shout of, "What do you mean you're leaving?!" and suddenly all eyes were on Draco. Now was the time. 

"I'm moving to France. This weekend, actually." The faces around the table looked shocked. 

His eyes locked with Harry's who was, as predicted, sitting as far from him as possible. "Why?" 

Maybe it was the look in Potter's eyes or the fact that this was the first time they had spoken in months, but Draco suddenly couldn't answer. Unfortunately, Theo jumped in. 

"Knowing Draco, it's probably a boy." The table had a round of small laughs, but all attention was still on Draco. Despite this, only those closest caught him mumble, "You could say that." 

Next it was Weasley who piped up. "No, no. Malfoy hasn't had a steady thing for a while now. That's not the reason. Can any of you even remember the last time Malfoy had a boyfriend?" 

Draco couldn't believe who spoke up next: Ginny. And she said it all so unaware, sitting next to Harry whose eyes hadn't left Draco since the announcement. "No, there was that one mystery bloke about a year ago, remember?" 

"Oh, you mean that shitty arse that dumped Draco into a depressive slump?" Blaise received a swift kick under the table for that one, but he pretended not to notice. Potter wasn't looking at Draco anymore. Silence had fallen over the table, the mood no longer light and fun. "All I'm saying is the arse strung him on for months and then dropped him without a second glance back without even a good bloody reason and now here we are a year later and--" 

"Exactly," Draco cut in, desperate for Blaise not to finish that sentence. "Exactly, it's been a year. We needn't dwell on it. Point is, I'm moving to France and, although I hate to admit it, I suppose I will miss all of you disgustingly great friends." 

"Aw, Draco, don't get all soft on us." Luna leaned from her seat on the other side of Pansy, stretching out her hand to him. "We're going to miss you so much." Potter was staring at the bottom of his glass, shoulders hunched in on himself and looking guilty. Blaise had noted this and looked quite pleased with himself. Draco wasn't quite sure how he felt about it. 

The night ended and Potter hadn't really looked up from his drink since. 

 

__________

 

_Oh, oh_  
_Keep it on the low_  
_You're still in love with me but your friends don't know_  
_If you wanted me you would just say so_  
_And if I were you, I would never let me go_

 

__________

 

The following morning, Draco sighed at his kitchen, remembering for hopefully the last time the way Harry had been covered in mess when they had put up the stupid Gryffindor-maroon backsplash. 

This was for the best. He had convinced himself of it. He was leaving the next morning. He had already quit his job and everything was ready. It hurt his heart that this was his last day in the flat he and Harry had put together. But this was for the best. Draco would make himself be alright, eventually. He would make a life for himself in France, and Harry would forget all about him. Maybe one day when someone would ask him about his days at Hogwarts, Harry would remember him. And maybe Draco would get to the point as well where that was the kind of prompting it took for him to think of Harry. 

But Draco knew that was a lie. Hell, even quidditch was ruined for him. Even if he could forget all the games he played against Potter, his to-be wife was still a seeker. There was no escaping it. So, Draco could cross off quidditch as something he enjoyed. 

There was even the thought that maybe Draco should just live among the muggles. After all, there was no way to forget about Potter if he was still a part of the wizarding world: everyone knew who he was. 

But Draco would try. And it was for the best. 

 

__________

 

 

_I hate you, I love you,_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you_  
_I hate you, I love you,_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her_

__________

 

Saturday night and Draco was drinking, staring at the flat that should have been theirs. He was flashing back and he couldn't stop himself. 

There had been a night at the end of the year when Draco was feeling insecure. He had gotten caught up in rumors and what people said about him. Harry had sat with him by the lake-- by that very same spot they had given themselves to each other-- and held him closely. Draco would never forget that night. 

"Don't listen to the things they say about you. I don't. It doesn't matter. They don't matter," Harry had mumbled into Draco's hair, not entirely giving his words much thought. He rambled on and on about all of the things he said others didn't know about Draco. He didn't even notice what was slipping out. "Draco, you have been through so much and there is no one out there who is allowed to tell you shit about your life. You deserve all of the happiness that comes to you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, Draco, because that's what you deserve, I love you so much Draco and you..." 

Draco hadn't heard the rest of what Harry said. His mind just kept replaying the words "I love you so much," over and over. They sounded so much better coming off of Harry's lips than they ever would from anyone else's. He had sat up and turned to face Harry, who then finally trailed off his rant, and looked him directly in the eyes. "I love you too, Harry." 

Another time. They were in Draco's/ their flat the first night. Boxes were still laying about and the flat was a wreck. It was before any of the painting or work they had done. They had been standing in the door, both looking unsure of themselves. They both knew this was *their* flat, not Draco's. And neither were sure they were ready. 

"Scared, Potter?" Draco had said, softly and terrified of the response. Harry had looped his arms around him from behind and put his chin in Draco's shoulder. 

"You wish," was spoken shakily into his ear. There were both terrified, but also electric with excitement. 

That same night, lying in bed, Harry was running his fingers through Draco's hair. All was quiet and peaceful until Harry broke the silence. "I think I don't ever want to leave you." 

Draco had tried to bring it up the next morning, but Harry had shrugged it off. He couldn't even convince him to tell their friends. That was when Draco should have known.

 

__________

 

_I don't mean no harm_  
_I just miss you on my arm_  
_Wedding bells were just alarms_  
_Caution tape around my heart_

 

__________

 

Then everything had started to fall apart. They started fighting again like they weren't dating. They said things they would both regret. Harry started sleeping at his flat more and more. They started drifting from each other, lying. Draco was convinced he had pushed Harry over the edge, but all he had wanted was some fucking commitment. 

__________

 

_You ever wonder what we could have been?_  
_You said you wouldn't and you fucking did_  
_Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix_  
_Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed_

 

__________

 

In a drunk stupor, Draco was suddenly glad he was leaving. This felt like the best choice he had ever made in his life. What has it been? Nine fucking years of pining over Harry fucking Potter and he couldn't drag himself away? It was like he was fucking addicted. He was glad he was going. Potter had broken his fucking heart and as much as he tried to deny it, he was still in love with Potter. Merlin, nine fucking years he just wanted this to be over. All Draco wanted was to find someone who would bloody treat him right. Someone who would commit. Who wouldn't be afraid to tell their friends. Who would parade him around like the fucking masterpiece he is. Someone who deserves him. 

He deserved better than Potter, dammit. 

 

__________

 

_Always missing people that I shouldn't be missing_  
_Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance_  
_I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing_  
_But I learned from my dad that it's good to have feelings_  
_When love and trust are gone_  
_I guess this is moving on_  
_Everyone I do right does me wrong_  
_So every lonely night I sing this song_

 

__________

 

One more drink had Draco sobbing on the floor. He did deserve better than Potter, but would he ever get it? Nine years and here he was, sobbing on the floor over the same boy he did everything for. The boy who was marrying someone else. 

 

__________

 

_I hate you, I love you,_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you_  
_I hate you, I love you,_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her_

 

__________

 

How could he not have seen it? He had fucking watched him fall in love with her. They had been drifting and suddenly, he was spending more and more time with Ginny. Draco hadn't thought anything of it-- they were friends-- and Draco was still convinced Potter wouldn't have cheated on him. 

But how could he have missed it? 

And then things were over and Draco watched how Harry changed. How he began openly laughing too loud at all her jokes and flirting and it made him feel sick. The depressive slump Blaise had been referring to was mainly due to watching his ex of barely two weeks snog Ginny Weasley in the hallway at the back of the pub where they thought no one could see them. And they were going to get married. They were going to have a beautiful wedding and have about twenty little Weasel-Potter children and for Draco to have to watch their entire relationship develop was just downright cruel. 

Which is exactly why it's so pathetic that he's still in love with him. 

 

__________

 

_All alone I watch you watch her_  
_Like she's the only girl you've ever seen_  
_You don't care you never did_  
_You don't give a damn about me_  
_Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her_  
_She is the only thing you ever see_  
_How is it you never notice_  
_That you are slowly killing me?_

 

__________

 

Fuck Potter. 

 

__________

 

_I hate you, I love you,_  
_I hate that I love you_  
_Don't want to but I can't put nobody else above you_  
_I hate you, I love you_  
_I hate that I want you_  
_You want her, you need her_  
_And I'll never be her_

 

__________

 

One sobering potion later and Draco was finishing up the last of his packing, not caring about how red and blotchy his face was. This was it. This was finally getting over Potter. 

There was a knock at the door. 

He debated not answering it, knowing that anyone he could even remotely want to see right now would have used the Floo, but after another hesitant knock, he walked into the hall and opened it. 

And immediately slammed it closed. 

"Draco, please," came the voice, muffled by the door. 

"You don't get to call me that. We're not on a first name basis anymore, Potter." 

"Please, just open the door? You don't even have to let me in, you just have to let me speak."

"Well, it seems you're speaking perfectly fine with the door closed." 

Even through the door he heard the sigh. "Draco, I--" Draco made a noise, cutting him off. Another sigh. "Malfoy...I'm sorry." There was a pause. 

"Is that all? Because you can go now with your conscience as clear as it will be because I'm not forgiving you." 

"No, Malfoy--" Another sigh. Merlin, he was having trouble. Good. "Look, I'm not here to beg for you back, because I know you're not going to take me back after the way I ended things. I was an arse, really. I got caught up in what I thought was expected of me and I know that's not an excuse but I panicked and I know you saw us that night in the pub and it was the first time anything had happened between us, I swear, and I had been kicking myself at letting you go because it was the biggest mistake I have ever made and she was there and I did what I did because it made sense. Only, it made sense to everyone but me. 

"I love you. I never stopped. But for once in my life, I took the easy way out and to be quite honest, I'm not sure why I did that. Never had any fun doing things easy, right? And I think about you all the time. I hate myself for not loving Ginny the way she loves me and I hate myself for leaving you like that and when you said you were leaving it was like my heart broke all over again and I can't stop thinking about how different my life will be without you, how different my life  _is_  without you and I realized that this entire time with Ginny has just felt like a period of my life that I'll abandon to come back to you and that everything is you and that I don't know if I'll ever be as happy without you as I am with you, even if we fight and even if we're difficult and all I'm saying is please. If you want me out of your life, I understand. But if you move to France, you're not only cutting me out, but everyone. And you don't deserve that. So please, Drac-- Malfoy. I will leave you alone if you stay, I promise."

Draco was doubled over on the other side of the door, hand pressed against the wall. He felt like could feel his heartache in his soul. Harry had started getting choked up when he confessed his love and Draco had nearly hit the floor. He didn't want Harry to feel like that. He thought Ginny made him happy, which is why he never said anything. 

Gathering his composure, he knew he had to respond. "If you're not happy with her, then why are you with her?" 

"I'm not." Draco's entire world stopped. "I ended things last night." 

He had to stop himself from ripping the door open and pushing himself into Harry's arms right then. He deserved better than Harry, right? 

Right? 

Or was he about to walk away from the only person he had ever loved because of pride? 

"Please don't move to France," Harry spoke quietly on the other side of the door. "I'll leave you alone. I promise I will."

"Don't." Draco swung the door open. They both looked pathetic, tear stricken and puffy. "Don't ever promise me that. That's never what I wanted." 

"What do you want, Draco?" 

Rage came boiling up and he was back where he was before the sobering potion. "All I wanted was for you to commit. And not in a big, extravagant way. All I  _fucking wanted_  was for you to bloody tell some of your friends. Tell, maybe,  _Ron_? What relationship have you ever had that you hadn't told Ron about? Just me. All I fucking wanted was for you to show some sign that you weren't ashamed of me. And now you stand here at my door telling me you've broken things off with Ginny?  _What the fuck, Harry_?" 

"I made mistakes, Draco. What more do you want me to say? I love you and I would do whatever you wanted. If you want me to leave you alone, fine. If you want to go to France, do it. If you want me to fucking publish it in the Prophet that I've been in love with you seen before I even realized it in my third fucking year at Hogwarts, then I will do it. I can't fix what I did or did not do. Just tell me what you want now, Draco, and I will do whatever I can." 

The words were on his tongue. They were right there. 'Get lost,' 'never speak to me again,' 'fuck off.' But when he opened his mouth to say one of them, it wasn't what came out. 

"What I did want and what I do want haven't changed." Draco turned walking into the flat, but not slamming the door behind him. He left it open. Poured a drink for himself. Heard the soft click of the door closing.

"Draco, are you saying you would take me back?" The question was so quiet, so hesitant, he almost didn't hear it. 

"You fucking prick." He turned to face Harry. "I've been in love with you for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be without you. You broke my heart when you left me." 

Harry looked down at his shoes. "I know."

Draco almost choked on his next words. "If you ever bloody do that again..." He was in Harry's arms before he could remember a threat. 

Harry held him for a long time and tried to kiss him but Draco wouldn't allow him. 

"We're not back together. I need to sleep on this, and I need to talk to Pansy because I'm not going to let you play me again. Although, I desperately want to. I want to be with you."

"I understand, Draco. I promise, if you take me back, I won't hide it. I won't hide anything between us that you don't ask me to. I love you, Draco Malfoy, and I don't want anyone else." 

 

__________

 

Draco stared at the wall of his flat. Bloody painting was crooked. Stupid Potter and his terrible handiwork. Why he insisted on doing everything the muggle way, Draco would never understand. 

Someone jostled him out of his thoughts and he was dragged into a conversation before he could go and fix it. With this many people in their flat, someone was bound to notice and if it was anyone important, he was blaming Harry. A girl next to him that he didn't recognize began peppering him with questions. 

He looked closely before cutting her off. "Are you a bloody reporter?" 

She stopped dead in her tracks a moment, unsure of what to say. Not a good liar, then. "Get out of my home or I'll--"

Hermione swept in before he could finish, shooing away the reporter and pulling Draco aside. "I think the engagement party's going well, don't you?" 

"Considering all the press trying to find their way in, I would say it's going smashingly. Although, I can't find my fiancée with my drink." 

As if on cue, Harry popped up by his side. "There you are, my husband-to-be. Why do you look upset?"

"Bloody reporter found her way in." 

Harry's face lit up. Draco had been the one to say no-press. After Harry's stupid rant of 'I'll even tell the Prophet," he had talked about his relationship maybe a tad much for Draco's taste. But, here they were now, hosting the engagement party of the fucking century. 

They were to be married in a matter of months. When they announced the engagement only three months after Harry broke things off with Ginny, a lot of their friends thought they were going too fast. But, after explaining that Draco's "mystery-man" was none other than Harry Potter himself, they all understood. Harry had even sat down with Ginny and made sure there were no hard feelings. Draco wasn't about to let him leave another breakup anything close to theirs. 

Once their guests had all filed out, it was late into the night and Draco sat half-dressed on the kitchen counter, a wine glass in hand. Harry had started fidgeting again, and Draco tapped his foot against the side of Harry's arm. 

"Hey." Harry turned to him, settling in between Draco's legs. "Scared, Potter?" 

Harry broke into a laugh, reaching up to kiss his fiancée. "You wish." 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Please feel free to leave a comment and/ or message me on [ tumblr ](https://www.shelvesuponshelves.tumblr.com)
> 
> The drarry playlist is [ here ](https://open.spotify.com/user/jamesilver/playlist/1fIuJApIJzhm1snajKKmrm?si=-n08dDFGRZ6_1xCZlDbLug)
> 
> Also, feel free to leave any song recommendations for the playlist!! I will continue to write more fics based off of songs and they will be added into this series!!
> 
> I am also currently taking ficlet requests on [ tumblr ](https://www.shelvesuponshelves.tumblr.com)


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